A few weeks ago I was in a rough spot & texted a friend to ask for help, she rang me & was really there for me, listening to me fully & supporting me in processing the emotions that were coming up for me.
As a result of that phone call I identified a feeling of shame:
I felt shame when I felt love.
and I identified the link with shame & money that I also had.
This freed me up enormously, being able to identify that feeling of "badness" that I felt- that it was bad to do things, that I was bad simply lifted & dissipated. Before, what was happening was that when I did something I felt "Bad" (aka shame) about it, so I avoided doing it!
Having the awareness that I felt this shame around positive, loving things was a HUGE breakthrough for me.
I've been on the "personal development/ healing/ spiritual" journey for 15 years now. During that time I would describe this feeling of "Badness" to many people, and time & time again I heard the suggestion "You need to love yourself". This didn't seem to make sense, although when I first heard it, I simply followed the advice, which was a great help; I learned how to take loving actions for myself. I learned how to cook healthy & nutritious food, I learned meditation, I learned how to say no, I learned how to accept compliments... I learned many things, but I wasn't able to identify was this feeling was, where it was coming from or how to cope with it.
So, over the last few years when I experienced this "Badness" and heard this suggestion, it just didn't ring true- I DID and DO love myself, I knew that wasn't the missing element. I frequently catch my eye in the bathroom mirror, and as I do, I smile, and beam brightly at myself, spontaneously thinking "I love you" :)
So I knew that this feeling of "Badness" wasn't about me not loving myself. I did of course recognise that in the moment of feeling the "Badness" I wasn't of course experiencing the love I do have for myself, but I knew that lack of self love was not the issue, the cause nor the solution to this.
Other people over the years suggested that I change my thoughts- that negative feelings were created by negative thoughts. But do you know what? I just didn't buy that either. At the start I did, I practised noticing my thoughts, switching them to positive ones, and I still do this and produce positive results from it. But changing my thoughts never, ever took away this feeling of "Badness".
And, for me, it was invariable the feeling of "Badness" that came BEFORE any negative thoughts that might have been associated with it.
Last week I talked with a friend in Ireland who is a creative intuitive- and she worked with me on the connection between shame and feeling loved, and shame and money. We did it over Skype, and it was great, she drew as we talked and then sent me the pictures via email.
As a result, I had increased clarity particularly with regards to Love and Shame, and Shame & Money- particularly understanding that the link for Shame & Money came firmly from the experiences I'd had as a child.
My parents neglected me, this isn't a "poor me" story, or blaming my parents, this is a simple statement of FACT. When I was about 11 years old my trainers that I wore to play hockey at school were too small. When I mentioned this to my parents I was shouted at, I was told that "They couldn't be too small already" "We don't have the money to keep buying you trainers every 2 minutes..." etc, etc...
Now, as an adult I can understand that my parent must have been under financial pressure & I understand how they might have been feeling. But as a child, I received a very clear and loud message: Asking for something that I needed was WRONG, I was selfish and it made my Mummy & Daddy very ANGRY at me. So I avoided asking them, and to illustrate just how much I avoided them I'll share with you that for about 2 months I continued to wear those trainers, despite the fact that every step I took in them pinched my toes, despite the fact that as I was playing hockey I knew I couldn't stop running too suddenly or it would be really painful, this I found particularly distressing as I always played full out to make sure I did my part for my team. When the pain got too bad I stopped bringing them into school, when all the other girls got ready for gym I didn't, I sat in the changing rooms feeling shame. When my PE teacher asked me why I wasn't getting changed I said "I forgot my trainers". I was too ashamed to say my parents didn't buy me new ones, and my old ones were too small.
I got into trouble every PE lesson for a few months, until eventually I plucked up the courage to ask my parents for trainers again, so I could play hockey which I loved. I guess that time my parents believed me that they really were too small for me. The growth of my toes were affected, and even now my toes are excessively curled, but the emotional scars were way more damaging.
The fact of the matter is that my parents did have money, they weren't rich, but my Dad was in steady work, with a reasonable wage & low accommodation costs. They both smoked and they both drank (daily), which I was well aware of, so I knew they HAD money, that if they choose, they could have spent on trainers for me so that I could play hockey in my PE lessons at school. They didn't though, they weren't equipped with the skills to make that decision. I could label them, but I don't know how much value doing so would bring. I certainly believe the both exhibited symptoms of Alcoholism, my mother certainly wasn't emotionally or mentally stable, and my Father was regularly violent towards her. They failed to provide the basic needs of their children. Do I hate them for this? No, not at all, I don't resent them. I love them, I feel compassion for them both, (may they both rest in peace). I resolved my issues with them long before they passed on.
But that doesn't mean I don't still experience the results of that long term emotional abuse & neglect.
This is just one of many examples I could share to illustrate experiences I had as a child. And I share it here, because by sharing it with my friend the creative intuitive I was able to identify and clarify that the link between Love, Money & Shame was about my asking for it- asking for money particularly.
Having that awareness led me to another breakthrough- becoming aware that I felt shame for eating!!!
Now as a fairly intelligent, reasonable adult I think to myself "My goodness, how on earth could anyone feel ashamed about eating?" It seems to go against human nature, but I did.
Knowing that, I felt shame about eating, being able to identify that feeling has brought me much freedom & lightness. When I think about food now, and preparing healthy & nutritious food for my body and I start to feel this "shame" I laugh, I identify what it is and realise just how silly it is. I can now SMILE when I think of eating :)
And today I have a HUGE success to share with you- today I finally posted the benefit application forms, for sickness benefit & for housing benefit. I haven't received a penny from the government despite being too ill to work to pay for my living costs in 5 months. I've survived from help from friends, and the last 2 months support from my boyfriend. My rent is overdue by 5 months. I hope that the shame that prevented me from asking for the help I needed will no longer prevent me from asking for the support that I need.
I've been using "EFT" or "Tapping" on the shame as I experience it, and it dissipates when I do.
I know now, moving forward in my life, being free from the irrational and illogical shame will certainly free up energy & enable me to be even more loving, take even more loving actions to support my ongoing journey to health & wellness :)
If you're interesting in gaining more insight into your own personal pathways, so that you can move forward in your life towards how you want to create your life, then I'd highly recommend a session with Roisin, you can find out more about what she does on her blog Creative Dynamix.
I look forward to continuing on my own personal path of freedom, health & well being and I am immensely grateful to Roisin for helping me get round this particular bend on my life's journey.
As a result of that phone call I identified a feeling of shame:
I felt shame when I felt love.
and I identified the link with shame & money that I also had.
This freed me up enormously, being able to identify that feeling of "badness" that I felt- that it was bad to do things, that I was bad simply lifted & dissipated. Before, what was happening was that when I did something I felt "Bad" (aka shame) about it, so I avoided doing it!
Having the awareness that I felt this shame around positive, loving things was a HUGE breakthrough for me.
I've been on the "personal development/ healing/ spiritual" journey for 15 years now. During that time I would describe this feeling of "Badness" to many people, and time & time again I heard the suggestion "You need to love yourself". This didn't seem to make sense, although when I first heard it, I simply followed the advice, which was a great help; I learned how to take loving actions for myself. I learned how to cook healthy & nutritious food, I learned meditation, I learned how to say no, I learned how to accept compliments... I learned many things, but I wasn't able to identify was this feeling was, where it was coming from or how to cope with it.
So, over the last few years when I experienced this "Badness" and heard this suggestion, it just didn't ring true- I DID and DO love myself, I knew that wasn't the missing element. I frequently catch my eye in the bathroom mirror, and as I do, I smile, and beam brightly at myself, spontaneously thinking "I love you" :)
So I knew that this feeling of "Badness" wasn't about me not loving myself. I did of course recognise that in the moment of feeling the "Badness" I wasn't of course experiencing the love I do have for myself, but I knew that lack of self love was not the issue, the cause nor the solution to this.
Other people over the years suggested that I change my thoughts- that negative feelings were created by negative thoughts. But do you know what? I just didn't buy that either. At the start I did, I practised noticing my thoughts, switching them to positive ones, and I still do this and produce positive results from it. But changing my thoughts never, ever took away this feeling of "Badness".
And, for me, it was invariable the feeling of "Badness" that came BEFORE any negative thoughts that might have been associated with it.
Last week I talked with a friend in Ireland who is a creative intuitive- and she worked with me on the connection between shame and feeling loved, and shame and money. We did it over Skype, and it was great, she drew as we talked and then sent me the pictures via email.
As a result, I had increased clarity particularly with regards to Love and Shame, and Shame & Money- particularly understanding that the link for Shame & Money came firmly from the experiences I'd had as a child.
My parents neglected me, this isn't a "poor me" story, or blaming my parents, this is a simple statement of FACT. When I was about 11 years old my trainers that I wore to play hockey at school were too small. When I mentioned this to my parents I was shouted at, I was told that "They couldn't be too small already" "We don't have the money to keep buying you trainers every 2 minutes..." etc, etc...
Now, as an adult I can understand that my parent must have been under financial pressure & I understand how they might have been feeling. But as a child, I received a very clear and loud message: Asking for something that I needed was WRONG, I was selfish and it made my Mummy & Daddy very ANGRY at me. So I avoided asking them, and to illustrate just how much I avoided them I'll share with you that for about 2 months I continued to wear those trainers, despite the fact that every step I took in them pinched my toes, despite the fact that as I was playing hockey I knew I couldn't stop running too suddenly or it would be really painful, this I found particularly distressing as I always played full out to make sure I did my part for my team. When the pain got too bad I stopped bringing them into school, when all the other girls got ready for gym I didn't, I sat in the changing rooms feeling shame. When my PE teacher asked me why I wasn't getting changed I said "I forgot my trainers". I was too ashamed to say my parents didn't buy me new ones, and my old ones were too small.
I got into trouble every PE lesson for a few months, until eventually I plucked up the courage to ask my parents for trainers again, so I could play hockey which I loved. I guess that time my parents believed me that they really were too small for me. The growth of my toes were affected, and even now my toes are excessively curled, but the emotional scars were way more damaging.
The fact of the matter is that my parents did have money, they weren't rich, but my Dad was in steady work, with a reasonable wage & low accommodation costs. They both smoked and they both drank (daily), which I was well aware of, so I knew they HAD money, that if they choose, they could have spent on trainers for me so that I could play hockey in my PE lessons at school. They didn't though, they weren't equipped with the skills to make that decision. I could label them, but I don't know how much value doing so would bring. I certainly believe the both exhibited symptoms of Alcoholism, my mother certainly wasn't emotionally or mentally stable, and my Father was regularly violent towards her. They failed to provide the basic needs of their children. Do I hate them for this? No, not at all, I don't resent them. I love them, I feel compassion for them both, (may they both rest in peace). I resolved my issues with them long before they passed on.
But that doesn't mean I don't still experience the results of that long term emotional abuse & neglect.
This is just one of many examples I could share to illustrate experiences I had as a child. And I share it here, because by sharing it with my friend the creative intuitive I was able to identify and clarify that the link between Love, Money & Shame was about my asking for it- asking for money particularly.
Having that awareness led me to another breakthrough- becoming aware that I felt shame for eating!!!
Now as a fairly intelligent, reasonable adult I think to myself "My goodness, how on earth could anyone feel ashamed about eating?" It seems to go against human nature, but I did.
Knowing that, I felt shame about eating, being able to identify that feeling has brought me much freedom & lightness. When I think about food now, and preparing healthy & nutritious food for my body and I start to feel this "shame" I laugh, I identify what it is and realise just how silly it is. I can now SMILE when I think of eating :)
And today I have a HUGE success to share with you- today I finally posted the benefit application forms, for sickness benefit & for housing benefit. I haven't received a penny from the government despite being too ill to work to pay for my living costs in 5 months. I've survived from help from friends, and the last 2 months support from my boyfriend. My rent is overdue by 5 months. I hope that the shame that prevented me from asking for the help I needed will no longer prevent me from asking for the support that I need.
I've been using "EFT" or "Tapping" on the shame as I experience it, and it dissipates when I do.
I know now, moving forward in my life, being free from the irrational and illogical shame will certainly free up energy & enable me to be even more loving, take even more loving actions to support my ongoing journey to health & wellness :)
If you're interesting in gaining more insight into your own personal pathways, so that you can move forward in your life towards how you want to create your life, then I'd highly recommend a session with Roisin, you can find out more about what she does on her blog Creative Dynamix.
I look forward to continuing on my own personal path of freedom, health & well being and I am immensely grateful to Roisin for helping me get round this particular bend on my life's journey.
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