Normal for me right now is constantly feeling sleepy, wanting to sleep, not being able to sleep. Having pain in my head, my neck, my back, my shoulders. Not being able to think clearly. Making simple spelling mistakes, mixing up "you're" and "your". Not being able to do simple arithmetic.
Wanting to stay in bed because I just feel so shite physically.
Yesterday I did my CBT session, session 9 of 12, because that's all that's budgeted for on the NHS.
We talked about how my world perspective was formed as I was a child. On a daily basis I was shouted at, called fat, lazy, and selfish. These were the main themes of the verbal, emotional and mental abuse I experienced.
So, not surprising as an adult I based my decisions on proving that I wasn't lazy, or selfish. To the point that I've made myself chronically ill.
My awareness is deepening on this issue, I realise that actually, I am unable to make a decision based solely on my own well being without feeling guilty/bad/wrong.
I know that making simple decisions, like resting when I need to, cooking nutritious food for my body is the right thing to do. Yet when I do them I FEEL awful about it.
So my focus at the moment is: How can I change these negative feelings that occur when I make positive decisions for myself?
Convention & CBT would say change your thoughts, the feelings will follow. But I've been working on that for 15 years!!! For 15 years I've known I need to take care of myself to be able to help others. Yet still I fail to do so.
I'm going to do some writing exploring the feelings, and get out in the open the thoughts I have about these feelings. I do know one thing for sure- I don't believe the feelings are created by the thoughts, at all. I experience the feelings first, the thoughts are just what I use to communicate/understand what the feeling is.
Wanting to stay in bed because I just feel so shite physically.
Yesterday I did my CBT session, session 9 of 12, because that's all that's budgeted for on the NHS.
We talked about how my world perspective was formed as I was a child. On a daily basis I was shouted at, called fat, lazy, and selfish. These were the main themes of the verbal, emotional and mental abuse I experienced.
So, not surprising as an adult I based my decisions on proving that I wasn't lazy, or selfish. To the point that I've made myself chronically ill.
My awareness is deepening on this issue, I realise that actually, I am unable to make a decision based solely on my own well being without feeling guilty/bad/wrong.
I know that making simple decisions, like resting when I need to, cooking nutritious food for my body is the right thing to do. Yet when I do them I FEEL awful about it.
So my focus at the moment is: How can I change these negative feelings that occur when I make positive decisions for myself?
Convention & CBT would say change your thoughts, the feelings will follow. But I've been working on that for 15 years!!! For 15 years I've known I need to take care of myself to be able to help others. Yet still I fail to do so.
I'm going to do some writing exploring the feelings, and get out in the open the thoughts I have about these feelings. I do know one thing for sure- I don't believe the feelings are created by the thoughts, at all. I experience the feelings first, the thoughts are just what I use to communicate/understand what the feeling is.
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