How ill am I?

Well, on the scale of things, it's worse than a cold, but not as bad as cancer.

Last weekend I spent at my sisters, where I felt that it wasn't acceptable to ask for the food that I needed, I ended up eating fishcakes with breadcrumbs on, and getting woken up at 4am by my nephews, and again early on the Sunday morning by a younger nephew who thought that the sound of 2 metal coat hangers clanging together was quite enjoyable.

Today, Thursday I'm ill.  I'm in bed, have been all day.  I've got a cold, my nose is blocked & running (yes at the same time!) my throat is sore, my ears hurt & my head is pounding!   And I'm sleepy, right now I want to sleep.

Why aren't I sleeping?  That's a very good question, I don't really know.  Except that somehow I'm afraid to turn off the laptop and put my head on the pillow to sleep.

Afraid to sleep?  Yup, insane isn't it?  Now I could say that what I'm afraid of is lying there not being able to sleep.  But then again, what's such a big deal in that?  I'm afraid of being in my own mind?

But another part of me tells me that I'm afraid to go to sleep because of what might happen when I'm asleep.  I think back to my childhood and I can recall several things that were unpleasant when I went to sleep.

I might wet the bed- I did this until I was 12.
I might be woken up by my parents coming home from the pub partying with friends
I might be woken up by my parents coming home from the pub screaming & shouting at each other, with my Dad hitting my Mum.
Or worse.

But I don't have the memories of worse.  Maybe they're just fears, but to be honest I doubt it.

What's this got to do with ME?

Well it makes sense that I'd be exhausted if I'm afraid to go to sleep...
And even lying here now all my muscles are tense.  I'm anxious.

Anxiety would take a lot of energy, so I guess would tensing my muscles every waking hour.